Sometimes all it takes is a little course of action with little to no reflection behind it to stir up something big…well it did for me. I did something last night. It was totally in the spur of the moment: spontaneous. I think maybe if I had deliberated for a while, I probably would have just convinced myself to go to sleep instead. Now don’t get me wrong, I know your mind is headed in several directions. It was nothing terrible or anything of that sort (ha-ha, sorry to disappoint you guys). Just something that wasn’t quite on my agenda last night until…
I found myself on Google searching up chat rooms last night (I am totally not telling you what my search terms were). I can sugar coat this and make it sound like something it isn’t, but I’d just be justifying something that doesn’t need to be justified. So even though I hate to admit it, it was probably just because I was feeling lonely and no one that I really wanted to speak to was online, that and the fact that I was bored out of my skin. I know what you’re thinking, “okay so you’re bored and you signed yourself into a chat room, big deal.” That’s not the point though.
It was my thought process as I was talking to these people…now you have to know me to understand where I’m coming from, so I’m going to tell you right off the bat that I’m not the type of person that gives a flying (insert whatever you please here) about what anyone thinks about me. It’s never bothered me before, and I hate having to think about what other people would think about my actions. Now I don’t mean to sound like an inconsiderate bitch, totally insensitive to other people’s feelings – because believe me I’m not. My parents always let that govern what they did, and in turn it’s what they thought us…they’re big on reputation and what society will think about you. I’ve always hated that. It’s why I’m really confused about what last night was about. Now of course being in a chat room at 3 am in the morning isn’t pretty, it automatically gives everyone else the right to assume you’re horny too and looking to talk about sex or engage in something of the sort online – ugh.
Obviously with the username “Princess” everyone that messaged me was a creepy male. I chose to speak to three people: a, b and c. A was my age and heartbroken and wanted nothing to do with girls anymore and truly believes they are all the same; B was an engineer and 35 years old, married and had 2 kids and just found himself there when he was really supposed to be working at his desk. C was 27, unbelievably polite and making, what looked like to me, an intellectual conversation (with 20 other people messaging you saying ASL, s – e – x (?) and half it being censored and showing up as %%%%%% just trust me when I say intellectual).
The entire time I found myself deliberating what “anyone” would think if they knew I was doing this, and I kept judging myself based on what other people would think or expect of me – my parents, fiancé, siblings, etc, etc. I was hiding my identity not because of all that safety jazz they thought us in elementary school but simply because I was afraid of running into someone I knew (hah, what are the chances of that right? 0.00001 percent!?) It was pretty insane.
To sum this all up in one sentence: DAMN, I’VE CHANGED.
The reason that I wanted to write about this is because it actually means something to me though it might be very insignificant to you. I’ve spent all my life trying be myself, and I’m just not anymore…and that’s what yesterday was about.
I. Am. So. Lost.
I’ve been trying to articulate how I wanted to write this all day, and I hope that this gives you some insight about who I am…and if you’re lost, great – welcome to my world.
(BTW, I’d like to add that you can pretty much try ANY chat room regardless of the topic, people of origin and name…people will want to talk about SEX. Now you’re best bet is to try and log on to one in a language that you can understand – if you must – else you’ll have people making all sorts of sexual propositions and you’ll be completely lost trying to translate and might say something you’ll regret terribly. At least I understood.*note to self*)
Thank you Ghost for making me think, and of course that lead to a whole new topic that I’d like to explore and share…but that’s a story for another day.