A smile.


See, I feel like I owe you an explanation. And i’m in a mood to write a little more for the morning, so why not now? That last post that I wrote is only partially new. The truth is, I wrote that post a long, long time ago, and then added the very end of it before I put it up.

It’s strange, but I was feeling a bit down last night because of the date. It’s odd, because I knew that in a few hours, once those few hours that had been so significant last year disappeared into then night, i’d be okay again. And here I am, okay again. But why?

Something’s been bothering me. On my other blog, I had posted a while ago about how life isn’t full of feel good moments and sometimes you have to deal with the shit. And someone commented and told me that I was right, but that they were trying to believe different. Well, here is where I tie it all together, and if you’re feeling down in the dumps and  depressed, perhaps you should pay close attention here.

I’ve lost a lot in the past year. Don’t leave, it gets better, I swear. As I was saying, I’ve lost a lot in the past year. But I’ve gained something – insight. The ability to see the world as it was supposed to be seen, before everything started making you lose focus. I’m not going to offer you some useless words like, saying that life gives you lemons and you should make lemonade or some shit. I don’t like lemonade. It tastes like ass everytime I make it. Lemonade ass.

The point is, that my life today is no different from life itself. We are a species that is constantly missing the point – the whole point of life is not to live life amazingly happy or amazingly sad. The whole point of your life is to reflect life itself. So what is life itself?

It is beautiful. It is full of amazing things, wonderous, most interesting and astounding things. At every corner, at every street, at every inch of the world, there is something intricately, inherently and essentially fascinating. You take a walk to the end of your driveway, take a look at that tree – that tree has been there for as long as you have been alive, most likely. Does it seem normal to you, that tree, that big strong looking tree that you’ve never really thought about before today has been there since you moved in, since you first thought of your house? Certainly, your tree is better than anyone else’s – mine is slightly disabled and i’m pretty sure he’s a social outcast, because he loses his leaves after all the other ones and then in the spring, when everyone else is blooming, he stays naked. Maybe he just likes being naked. It would be that my tree is an indecent one.

My point is, how can you sit there and wallow in your grief while your tree is having an identity crisis on your front lawn?

Maybe that’s not my point. But still, that’s certainly something to think about.

Anyway, I can’t help but think, life is not even as slightly bad as we think it is. Yes, sometimes it doesn’t work out, the things that we want. Life has a way of screwing us out of the things that we want.

But it never screws us out of the things that we need. In fact, it drags us, kicking and screaming away from what we want but don’t need, to the things that we need, but don’t want. And that’s always a blessing in disguise, because it’s only later down the road that we’d realize that we didn’t need the things that we wanted, and should have wanted the things that we needed.

I am not heartbroken, not anymore. Do I yearn for her? Not in the slightest. That’s not my story anymore. That is no more my story than the boy who spent his childhood fighting on the streets and bleeding out with glass in his back, no more my story than the child who spent his youth fighting bullies and losing more times than he could count.

They are all painful stories, no doubt. But they are not mine. They are all of different people, but they all tell one struggle. One struggle, to get me, where I am today. They have all sacrificed, and killed themselves, one by one, so that I may live to sit here and tell you what they wanted me to tell you – that life is only as bad as you make it, and as bad as you let it be.

My scars do not dictate me, they are simply a reflection of me.

So I suppose, my question is to you, are you going to sit there and carve scars into your soul, or are you going to put down that knife and make yourself whole again?

It’s funny. I have but one major scar left, and it sits right beside my right eye, less than a millimeter away. It reminds me of many things, including of how close I was to losing my eyesight, being blind.

I have nearly been blind, so I appreciate that which I see more.

Then, a few years later, a problem with one of my ears scared me into thinking that I had lost my hearing.

I have nearly been deaf, so I appreciate that which I hear more.

Finally, I broke my jaw in two places, and had my mouth wired shut, forced to keep quiet or be socially uncomfortable.

I have lost my voice, so I appreciate that which I say more.

I have lain on a hospital operating table, shivering, feeling the ghosts of more than one person around me.

I have felt death, so I appreciate that which makes us alive more.

Don’t let other people dictate that which you feel and that which you do not feel. If you miss someone, show it. If you hurt, show it. If you feel sad, show it. Just because I missed my ex yesterday does not mean that i’m not past her and moved on, and it does not mean that i’m not done with that aspect of my life for good, and ready for someone new. It simply means, that for those few hours, I remembered what it was like to fall in love with someone, and I missed that feeling. I missed the feeling of falling in love with someone, of having that warm fuzzy feeling in your chest. Does that make me any less happy today? I woke up this morning, started and finished a term paper in one hour, saw one of my best friends at school, had a morning coffee with him, and now i’m going to go blow the shit out of multiple people on xbox live.

I could not be happier if I was on ecstasy really.

Be sad when you want to, be depressed when you want to, be morbidly obese when you want to (don’t be morbidly obese, there really is only so much you can do for a Klondike bar before your self esteem begins cutting itself) and miss who you want to miss, because it’s YOUR life. Don’t let other people dictate how you feel, or tell you that you’re not over someone because you feel so and so, or tell you how you should feel when they want you to feel. Don’t let other people tell you that you’re doing something too much, or too little, or you need to be happy all the fucking time.

You don’t need to be happy all the fucking time. You need to know, that life isn’t happy all the time. But it is, under the surface. Because when you’re feeling sad, and you’ve been hit hard by something? Just know, that you’ll never be able to get hit that hard in that place ever again, because you’ll be ready next time. Just know, that there’s a silver lining, and that you’ll be past it eventually.

You don’t feel happiness and then revert back to depression.

You feel depression, and then revert back to happiness.

We were meant to be happy. Life is made to make us happy. Sadness is temporary, PAIN, pain is temporary. Happiness, that’s forever.

Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to murder some bitches.

Advertisements

One thought on “A smile.

  1. “My point is, how can you sit there and wallow in your grief while your tree is having an identity crisis on your front lawn?”

    You’re incredible.

Love it or hate it?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s