I have eaten a rather large amount of cookies. I put them in the microwave and they were delectable. So I ate some more.
Now i’m afraid that the chocolate chip cookie monster god is after me. What is this God’s name, you ask? Not Cookie Monster – no, he is the devil to the cookie god. The cookie god’s name is Chip. Chip, you see, is a chocolate cookie chip, or a chocolate chip cookie chip, or a chip from a cookie that has chocolate flavouring.
You know who else is named Chip? That fucking chipmunk from back in the day. Why are chipmunks called chipmunks anyway? They don’t resemble monks in any way, and if a monk was to eat chips, would he technically not be a chipmunk? But then he can’t be eating chips, he’s got to be eating nuts, which is rather suggestive, making him a prostitute. And really, that’s never good for any monk – er, munk? But the amount of chips that they eat would definitely explain their massively cute cheeks.
Here’s something I don’t understand – why are big cheeks really a good indicator of sexual ability and evolutionary precedent in every single animal except for humans? I mean, you see a chipmunk with two big ass cheeks and every male chipmunk in the vicinity is going, “yo, you see that chick with the big ass cheeks?” Or another animal, like, for example, bunnies. And really, you see what bunnies do when they like each other, they don’t even bother to talk, that’s why they keep going bok-bok-bok – they’re so busy boning that they haven’t even had time to come up with something original to say. They’re still busy stealing the sound that chickens make. Which really, is the same thing that seals do – but I think that the seals barking has less to do with the fact that they’re always boning and more because they’re trying to imitate something humans actually love so we don’t club them to death.
Speaking of getting clubbed to death, has anybody heard from Ke$ha recently?