Why Dolphins are the biggest assholes on the Earth.

I’m not a guy that gets worked up very easily. I’m not. Except for the occasional sugar induced rage and apocalyptic result of someone trying to take something off my plate of food, I’m normally quite normal. I’m like the opposite of rage guy. I’m the fuck yea guy.

But Dolphins. Dolphins are some fucking assholes. And i’ll tell you why.

See, when I was a kid, I bought into all that propaganda shit. And believe you me, you haven’t seen propaganda until you’ve seen Free Willy.

Look at this asshole. Just flying and shit. WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO FOOL, I KNOW SEAGULLS CAN’T FLY.

Forget the fact that Free Willy is just a thinly veiled euphemism for exposing a man’s genitals – might I add, to a bunch of unsuspecting young children. That’s right, you assholes, I know what your game was. Pedophile bastards. Free Willy? More like cut off his willy and THROW HIM IN A CELL.

Oh, what’s that? Stupid Ghost, why would a sea animal rape a human being?

Seriously? Look at his creepy ass smile, he’s just taunting all of us with his carnal knowledge of our females.

There is actually no good reason for why that dolphin is throat deep in that lady’s vagina. I didn’t even know that was physically possible – do you hear that gentlemen? The dolphins are performing sex acts upon our females that we can’t even physically do. That’s a level of assholery that should only be answered with the resounding boom of a shotgun. Moreover, do you see the look of total panic on her face? She’s grasping at the bottom of her face so that he won’t be able to savagely rip it off. He’s already taken all her clothes.

But I digress.

Despite having more propaganda than a Middle Eastern “presidential campaign”, there’s a lot more problems with the dolphins than just a really good media presence and a really good rape radar. There’s also the overwhelming problem of them being the most dickish creatures in the ENTIRE SEA.

To those of you who don’t think this is a problem, let me happily remind you that the sea takes up a whopping what, seventy percent of our planet? I’m pretty sure that’s not a statistic I just made up in my head to prove my point. Fairly. I would Google it, but i’m pretty sure the bastards have already taken over that too.


But even more problematic that the dolphins are then technically the BIGGEST ASSHOLES ON EARTH (thus proving my point, making the rest of this post completely unnecessary) is the fact of who they’re sharing that ocean with. It’s not like they’re sharing the ocean with the most heavenly of creatures, making them simply the worst of the best. No. Not in any way shape or form.

They share the sea with this motherfucker.

If the impending zombie apocalypse ever spreads to other species in the world, this will be the only motherfucker that looks BETTER post infection.

That is the dragonfish. Oh, and in case you thought that I just happened to catch her on a bad photo day, this is what she looks like when she’s had time to prepare and she’s looking very, very sexy to all her male friends.

Work it girl, you work it! Mmmmn, you make that makeup look good! Give me a little bit of teeth baby, look FIERCE.

Do you realize how BIG OF AN ASSHOLE you have to be to outdo that? That thing looks like it’s made to prove that God either doesn’t exist, or does exist and he wants us to think that thing is an ASSHOLE. In fact, it looks like He pulled it out of SATAN’S asshole.

But no. That thing is just cursed to look like the inside of a dolphin’s soul.

Here’s the real reason why dolphins are assholes. They murder. I’m not talking, “you slept with my wife and now i’m going to shoot you in a crime of passion” murder.

I’m talking, “let’s find a smaller creature than us, chase it, use sonar to find it’s internal organs, start beating the fuck out of it, then as it begins to try and get away, chase it and continue to beat it up until it’s butchered beyond all recognition” murder.

Oh, I forgot the part where they do that so that they have PRACTICE for when they kill the baby dolphins. 

This was taken right before the adult dolphin pulled out a chainsaw. What’s that you say? Chainsaws don’t work under the sea? You’ve obviously never seen Spongebob Squarepants.

Now, many people feel that dolphins are just about the cutest things ever. So baby dolphins should make you shit your pants with joy. But no. Even the adult dolphins know what assholes they really are, on a fundamental level, and they know that they should contribute to their own extinction. But even worse, is why. 

I don’t blame them. I would viciously murder a fully grown crocodile with a fingernail for this adorable little bundle of joy. Wait what? Not this kind of pussy? Oh. OHH. WHAT THE FUCK DOLPHINS?!

They do it for pussy. Supposedly. I say supposedly because apparently, nobody can actually explain why the fuck they’re doing it. They’ve reached a level of assholery that even HUMANS, the biggest douchebags that walk on this green and mostly blue planet, whose only job is to really sit and contemplate about the world around them, can’t actually explain what makes dolphins such massive assholes. 

But here is what we DO know.

Dolphins are one of those animals that we are always simultaneously in love with and completely afraid of, primarily both because of the simple fact that they are in actuality, quite intelligent animals. They are perfectly understanding of the concept that you’re not wearing jeans, and are just wearing a bikini, and unlike actual human males, they are all aware that a bikini is just fancy underwear.

We are also aware of the existence of another goofy looking animal, called a porpoise. They’re related to the dolphin and the whale, and indeed, they look like funny looking dolphins.


Recently, however, there has been a massive amount of reports that porpoises are turning up mysteriously dead. And by “recently”, I mean since the beginning of fucking time, and by “mysteriously dead”, I mean butchered in unimaginable ways, all with dolphin face shaped holes in them. No seriously. Like a fucking Bugs Bunny cartoon.

And what’s even worse? They found out that it’s not only the MALE dolphins doing this, it’s also the females. The reason why they kill the porpoises isn’t even for any real reason – it’s apparently for target practice so that they get better at killing baby dolphins. And why would they kill the baby dolphins? Science says, it might be so that they can have sexy, sexy times with the baby dolphin’s mother.

But that makes no sense, because females have also been found murdering porpoises and baby dolphins. So unless there are now lesbian dolphins, then i’m going to go out on a whim here and say that the only reason that science came up with that explanation is because there is no scientifically correct way to say SHITS N’ GIGGLES. 

 So to sum up what we know, dolphins are actually raping, murdering psychopaths. But not only that, they’re such massive assholes that their primary target isn’t even a target for any particular reason – it’s a target for practice for targeting infantile members of their own kind. 

But i’m sure some of you may ask, so what? What’s wrong with that? Humans are douchebags too right?

No. Not that much. The equivalent of this? If humans were to do the equivalent of this, we would have to band together in a group, and run through the jungle, finding orangutans with advanced radar, then capturing and murdering them with nothing but our bare hands, beating them senseless and leaving them mangled beyond all recognition, just so that we could have PRACTICE FOR MURDERING OUR OWN CHILDREN.


Yes, we have had stages in history where we murdered our own young, but that was primarily to make them stronger. And it wasn’t like we were murdering other animals so that we could figure out how to kill our infantile babies better. What’s even more troubling, is why the adults need practice in the first place. It’s a baby. What is so strong about these baby dolphins that the adults need fucking practice? 

But it’s okay, we don’t need practice for murdering our own young.

I can only pray that now, this does not fall on deaf ears. It must be spread, throughout the world, far and wide, to expose dolphins for the real assholes that they are. We can no longer allow this marauding manifestation of douchebaggery to run rampant through our world any longer – it has come to a point where we must hunt them to extinction, and beyond. The next thing we know, they will be coming for us.

All the poor porpoise wanted was to be friends.

I died while you were laughing.


5 thoughts on “Why Dolphins are the biggest assholes on the Earth.

  1. Holy shit!
    this is the most eye opening and brilliant thing i have ever read.
    I just wan’t to go and kill those motherfucking dolphins now.
    and i am actually serieus 😀
    I’m posting this everywere i can.
    Thank you for saving man kind ;).

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