i know that it’s stupid.


“It was enough time to see that everything had changed for me.”

—–

As a child, I was seriously imaginative. My imagination could haunt me, help to protect me, make everything seem greater than it really was and over-exaggerate several things. My parents are two, hard-working people. I love them with everything I have and I can’t imagine life without either one of them.

I have two brothers and love both just as much as I love my parents. My older brother is a year older than me and I can only remember doing everything together with him. He’s my idol and although we’re both different in a million ways, he’s one of my best friends. Mom always used to dress us exactly the same or in similar patterns. He’d wear a green top with red stripes for Christmas and I’d wear a red top with green stripes.

I remember helping my mom bathe my younger brother back when he was still a baby. He grew into a young boy that was always happy and smiling. His energy seemed boundless and he had trouble focusing at times. In all truth, he could be annoying sometimes, but I would learn to get over that. I used to bully him because I was a jackass like that. I would order him around and teach him how to swear. I’d make fun of him until he cried. There was a specific moment during the 16th year of my life in which I realized that I was an absolute asshole to him for a good chunk of his life on this Earth. I realized that in the end that your family is who you should hold dearest first. I have felt guilty ever since then and have tried hard to make up for the years of bullying I had put him through.

I am so overprotective over him purely because the majority of people in the world seem to think that he’s stupid and isn’t worth anything. When I came to my realization, I began to get to know him better as a person. When I began treating him like my brother, he grew closer to me and started confiding in me. And when my older brother noticed this, we all grew closer as a unit. I would go to war with both of my brothers. I’ve done both wrong, but I’ve been trying to fix it ever since.

—–

I’ve always been pretty self-centred. I was always about instant gratification as a child. Whatever I wanted, I had to have immediately. My parents decided to buy a Super Nintendo Entertainment System with Donkey Kong Country. I remember never being able to get past the second level, haha. Back then, two of my uncles and my grandparents lived with us. One of my uncles was actually pretty good at the game, so I’d sit there and watch him play. One of our neighbours had a child…but he was more of a man-child than anything else. I’m not sure about how old he is now, but he was a good friend. He was slightly mentally retarded, but I had never noticed. Like my older brother and I, he was really into video games. We would play video games with him and laugh while drinking Coca-Cola.

Going off of the fact that I liked being in control, I always had to be P1 (first player) and I always wanted to be the boss. Between the ages of 6-12, I was the head of a kiddie clique my little neighbourhood. We rode bikes; played Pokemon (both with the cards and video games), Digimon, tag, home run derby…every imaginable childhood game you can think of. If I wasn’t allowed outside, they would wait outside my house. They would park their bikes by the garage and sit on my porch just so we could talk through the window. If I told them to jump, they would ask how high. If I wanted all of us to sit on top of the mailbox, that’s what we we would do. If I wanted to go home, they would all do the same.

—–

Now, what does all of this have to do with me? A lot, I guess. It explains a lot of things for me. It explains why I feel so alone at times, even though I have many friends. I have a cousin that knows exactly how this is. Well, he isn’t really a cousin. He’s a good family friend, haha. But we Filipinos tend to call a lot of people family. That’s exactly what he is to me. We identify with each other on so many levels and it’s great to know that he knows how it is. Well, it’s actually sad, but at least he knows that I know how he feels…you get it?

Yeah man, I know what you mean. People use guys like us. People invite us to parties in hopes of getting other people interested in going too. People hang with us for the status. When they don’t need us, they stab us in the back. They become their own kind of leader and form a different clique. And where are we after that? Sitting alone, trying to figure out where it all went.

Guys, you’re making me want to cry. I never knew that you both felt like this…why didn’t you ever tell me? You could have told me…both of you. 

Guess we were both too busy with our egos to reach out for help. It’s over now though, haha. Come on, deal the next round already! Who was bum again?

—–

As you can probably tell from my previous posts, I’m a bit of a lovesick kind of guy. Furthermore, I like to live in the past. It’s bad, but I do it anyway. I had this one girlfriend who more or less made and destroyed my high school life. Every year – except for the ninth grade – revolved around us…or the lack thereof. She’s smart, pretty, a little too smart for her own good and caring (when she wants to be). And me? I got far too ahead of myself in some high school romance. I can’t pinpoint when our relationship started coming apart, but I have a few ideas of what could have done it.

This girl is crazy, haha. I think she has a thing for me.

Whatever.

She calls you “Ms. de Vega”. Get a load of that, huh?

Why do you even tell me about her? I could tell you about all the guys that had a crush on me or think that I’m cute now, but I don’t. 

When she decided that she was sick of me, she dumped me (This is a lie. I don’t know if she was sick of me or not. I’ll never really know, to be honest. I’d love to find out though, haha!). When she did that, she effectively sent me into some state of hate. I didn’t know how to deal with the anger and the jealousy of it all. I retreated to my basement for a long time. I tried to deal with it by playing video games. I thought that would soothe my pain, but it didn’t.

My friends at the time suggested that I should just get myself back out into the world. So, I tried. I would sit in Eaton’s Centre after school with them and we would spot girls that looked like they belonged to our age group. They would try to goad me into talking to girls, but I would just refused and stay seated. Without my permission, they would promptly leave the table and tell each and every group of girls the same story:

Hey, don’t mean to bother you. Our friend over there just got dumped. We don’t know what to do…we thought we might ask you guys to come by and try to make him feel better. Think that might work?

Lo and behold, it always worked.

I started amassing phone numbers as if they were a new type of currency. I would be on the phone for hours with some of these girls. I guess I gained a new form of confidence. One that was absolutely fake. I tried to forget her, but nothing ever really worked.

—–

In my final year of high school, I learned a lot about myself. Prior to the start of the academic year, I was defaulted as the president of our student council. I was also dating the girl mentioned in the above paragraphs.

During the summer, we spent as much time together as we possibly could. She had just been hired and she was excited to work. To be honest, I don’t think I ever knew what exactly it was that she was doing…I remember that she had a job, but I don’t remember asking her what it was. She would go to work, train, and come back home. Since it was the summer time, I had no qualms about this. I could wake up at 2PM and still have enough time in any given day to do whatever it was that I pleased.

Hey, can I call you?

Sure. Let me ask my friend if it’s okay. I’m at his house, haha. My phone’s dead too, so you’ll have to call his phone, okay?

Okay!

Hey man, is it cool if Cat calls here?

Sure thing. 

*ring*

Hey. Haven’t heard your voice all day. What’s up?

I just…I really wanna spend all the time I can with you this summer. Especially before you leave for the Philippines.

I thought it was cute. I agreed.

—–

I came back from the Philippines. It was refreshing to be back home in Toronto. I welcomed the cooler temperatures and loved the fact that I knew how to get around in the city. Don’t get me wrong, the Philippines was awesome. It’s just a bit harder to enjoy your vacation when more than half the people outside your house can tell when you’re not from the country and would swindle you out of your money in a heartbeat. Furthermore, even though I was turning 17, I had no clue as to how to travel around the cities and communities of the Philippines. It doesn’t help that I don’t speak Tagalog very well.

I spent a month there with my family. It was another bonding experience, of course. When you don’t have the luxuries that you can enjoy here in Canada, you learn to hang out and talk more with your family than anything else. Of course, I appreciated my brothers much more. My parents were able to go out and enjoy their homeland. They loved it. I know they did, haha.

I would spend my money on internet cards. They’re like phone cards, haha. Anyway, my cousin has this old PC and so I would use it to try and e-mail my girlfriend. I’d tell her about my trip and how much I missed her. I’d wait patiently for her replies, but I never got a single one. Like a fool, I always signed into hotmail.com with the hope that she had sent me something. So, safe to say, when I got back to Toronto, I was looking for answers.

I would later learn that she had spent her time cheating on me with her local librarian.

—–

I was the head of the clique – or at least, that’s what everybody said and how everybody saw it. I enjoyed it. I was also selected to help organize a three-day, board-wide model UN conference for the TCDSB. I had my hands full, haha. I would spend time hanging out at Eaton’s Centre with my buddies. We celebrated my birthday at Yorkdale and had dinner at the Milestone’s there. Oddly enough, I sat with my friends that didn’t go to school with me. They sat at a table close by, but things seemed to change after that.

None of them seemed receptive to me. They all answered me with one-word responses or with snarky comments. I was used to the snarky comments, but they became more and more spiteful. I thought that this was all in my head, so I acted the same way I always did around them.

I began to notice that they were more interested in doing things without me. I refused to believe that that was what was happening. I tried forcing myself into their conversations and chill sessions, but that didn’t lead to anything good. Eventually, I realized that something was going on. I decided to distance myself for good because they just seemed to hate me.

What in the world could make them change their views so quickly? What happened to being friends? We had all gone to school together for 10 years and we were supposed to be brothers. I’ll always wonder why. It was so sudden and it caught me off-guard. This is when I really befriended our fellow author, fidgetguru. In elementary school, I never really bugged him or anything. I didn’t bully him either. But I apologized to him for anything I had done wrong to him anyway. Just in case, y’know?

—–

I stood outside of the auditorium with fidgetguru and another friend. It was the day of our graduation. We had finished our rehearsal and we were just waiting for the day to turn to night so we could finally rid ourselves of the uniform and call ourselves graduates. The night before, our class decided to go out to paint the town with a certain authoritative figure. Of course, I wasn’t invited. But by then, I had learned how to deal with it.

Of course, somebody had to do something to rub it in my face though. A friend (yes, I still considered him a friend) had written on my facebook wall.

hey roland, tonight was so much fun! i’m so glad everybody was able to come out tonight!

And two other friends commented. I can’t remember what it was they had both written, but they soon deleted their comments. Seeing that wall post made me mad, but what was I supposed to do about it?

While I stood outside of the auditorium with fidgetguru and our other friend, the clique I used to hang with whispered quietly behind us.

Holy shit dude, Roland got OWNED last night on facebook!

Dude, shhh, he’s right there.

*turns around to face me*

Oh shit, wussup, man?

I pretended I didn’t hear it.

—–

There I was: I had two friends, lost the one girl that meant most to me at that time, no cellular phone, and my former classmates and friends decided that I would be the biggest joke. Sure, you can have loads and loads of friends, but in the end, it’s still something that bothers me today. Those guys were men that I considered my closest friends and brothers. Yet, here I am writing a blog post that was supposed to shed some light on who I am. I don’t know any of them anymore.

And the girl? I don’t know her anymore either. I wish I did, but I don’t. It’s weird how things work out, but what can you do about it all? I still think about her, truthfully. I wonder how she is and what she’s up to. I’ve tried reaching out to her once, but she replied with a stern no. I wonder if she thinks about me that way, but all signs say that she doesn’t.

“You’re painting daffodils by the sea without me.”

—–

This is why I live in my past. I enjoyed it. I loved it. Everything in life seemed easier. There was constant structure in my life. School started at 8:30AM and ended at 3:30PM. I had friends that said they would be there. I had a girlfriend who I would see almost daily. And if we didn’t see each other, we would be on the phone with one another and we would text each other. I had homework to do and deadlines to meet. When all of that was taken out from under my feet, I was completely lost.

I leaned on my family and newfound friends to try to get through it all. I’m alive, (not game-ready) healthy, and in school. I have a girlfriend that has been by my side for the past two years through all the stupidity that I can give her. She’s brilliant, pretty, caring, supportive, curious, annoying, loving, and willing. I certainly hope that she’ll be around for a while.

—–

Where do football and all the other girls fit in? That’s a whole other story, haha. Guess you know me a bit too much now, huh? Yay for overly emotional posts!

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One thought on “i know that it’s stupid.

  1. The past fucks you up but we always come back to it for more.
    And I really liked this, it wasn’t overly sentimental. It was more… curious, like you were asking your past self “Why did these things happen? Why are things not the way they were before? At what precise moment did everything change?” And that’s not an easy question.
    Anyway, me being all philosophical. If you’ll excuse me, there’s cheese that needs eating. 🙂

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