The problem with Polar Bears.

Polar Bears.

They’re pretty cool.

But i’m having a problem understanding why we seem to care so much that they’re dying out. See, all I’ve been hearing in the lamestream media recently is about how horrifying it is that these wonderful creatures are dying by the dozens. Seriously? I can’t imagine why we’re so concerned about this. They don’t seem to be.

Does this look like they give a shit to you? That is the resounding photograph of exactly zero fucks being given.

It simply doesn’t seem that they are entirely concerned about this one bit. In fact, they can’t seem to give enough of a fuck to stop drinking their coke and proceed south of their current habitation to survive long enough to keep drinking more coke. Actually, that sounds remarkably familiar.

See, i’m a mental health specialist. All I do all day is contemplate mental illnesses and have copious amounts of imaginary sex. And one of the major markers of an addiction is someone who is unwilling, or in a lot of cases, such as this one, simply unable to take action for the sake of continued living and their own well being, just because they are too addicted to do anything else other than drug seeking behaviour.

That’s right.

You know exactly where i’m going. Don’t give me that fucking bullshit. You knew what this post was going to be as soon as you saw that Ghost was talking about polar bears.

These polar bears are addicted to coke. Scroll up, and take a look at that photograph again. Take a really close look. How old do you think those polar bears are? They can’t be more than a few years old, and that happy looking polar bear in the background is obviously a parent. The parents are the ones getting their children addicted. In fact, the polar bears are the worst drug ridden ghetto squatters in the animal world – they’re the only animal that not only are always addicted to coke, but also get their children addicted from a young age, only for those children to grow up and spread the addiction further. 

Even dolphins don’t do that shit. 

We don't need drugs to be serial killing, orgy having, baby raping assholes! WE DO IT SOBER.

Now of course, there are some of you out there, wagging your fingers at me and telling me all sorts of stupid shit, like “Ghost, Coke is simply a wonderful sugar filled, obesity causing liquid of death, it’s not an addictive substance!”

Have you seen America? Seriously? If America was melting, how many people do you think would die in their own houses because they would feel that getting up and running away from their impending doom wasn’t as important as stuffing down that last DONUT HOLE FILLING (FUCK YOU COUNTRY STYLE.) or drinking that last 2 liter bottle of Coke?

But that’s not really what bothers me.

See, I’ve been hearing a lot about this North Pole. Specifically from junkies, who tell me how full of “snow” it is. Now, while I’ve never actually been to the North Pole, my incredibly underfunded and lackadaisical research into this topic and completely biased and horrible understanding of drug terms, tells me that snow is actually a reference to cocaine. Now before you start giving me hell for that too, I actually have empirical evidence to back this up.

LOLcats, the best empirical non biased researchers since the dawn of the inturwebz.

So my question is, what the hell are those polar bears doing up there? Not only that, but I’ve been told that the North Pole isn’t actually what we think it is. What do you think those polar bears are doing up there? Everyone knows that every single parent who doesn’t have the means to make ends meet (or meat) has to eventually take to the pole. And with the entire population on drugs, that can only mean one thing.

This is Candy. She needs your help to beat her addiction and get off the pole.

Stripper bears.

That’s the only logical conclusion.

Stripper polar bears, who are drugged up on cocaine and seconds away from obesity. They can’t stop dancing or they’ll get fat from their coke habit, and they can’t stop doing coke because that would mean that they would have to stop doing coke, and oh my god, the horror, the horror. 

But it actually gets worse. Yes, even worse than drug addicted, stripper polar bears.

See, it’s possible, theoretically, that polar bears could survive at the south pole. I’m basing this on my extensive lack of knowledge about polar bears and the concept that snow is what they eat.

But if polar bears can actually survive at both poles, doesn’t that mean that they are bi-polar bears? 

Oh. Fuck.

This is why we need to save them. As much as you don’t want to, now that you’ve realized just how fucked up they are, it’s absolutely vital that we do. Polar bears are beautiful things, we don’t want them suffering from all these hand me down mental illnesses. It’s time that we stop the madness, and get polar bears the help that they deserve. If you or a loved one know a polar bear in need of help, there are many, many support groups that can help you and your polar bear friend control their addiction. It will not be easy, in fact, you may have to seal their mouths shut every so often and/or take them to the club so they can dance away their troubles. Just be sure not to let them near the poles, because you don’t want them to relapse.

And besides, it makes sense to save them. After all, polar bears, once rehabilitated, will always have that hidden rage that they can draw on for strength in times of need, say, when they need to power a laser hidden in their eyes to stop the impending dolphinpocalypse and save the humans from certain extinction as repayment for saving them from a life of cocaine and working that pole until they died.

I'm onto you motherfucker.


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