Completely arbitrary this post, just a collection of things I’ve thought about for a while.
I’ve never been an emotionally-fueled person. In fact, my main point of pride all throughout my adult life was my rationality. Taking a logical approach to life’s little intricacies seemed like a good plan of action. Now this way of thinking is not natural. It is learned, a product of my past. Time and time again I had been shown that letting my ‘heart’ or ‘feelings’ make decisions for myself would only come back to bite my sorry ass. Which lead to the whole rational approach I guess. It had worked till now hadn’t it?
I slipped. Things in my life took a different turn, from multiple angles, emotions bombarded me, as pressures of various little things challenged my normally clockwork mind. Letting emotion take control of your actions seemed to me like playing a huge game of decisional Russian Roulette. But I dared to dream, thinking I had caught a glimpse of something real. Something that I thought would be worth the risks. I slipped up again.
Now it wasn’t the fact that emotions dictated my thoughts and actions that irks me. It was how engrossed I became. In so little time, everything I’d thought to be true had been challenged by the tides of emotion. Rational thought became an afterthought. I dared to dream of something greater based solely on my emotions. And I reveled in it.
I came face to face with two sides of myself. One side appealing to the logic that these things never work out the way you’d like, and the other telling me it was okay to hope, to place yourself at the mercy of it. And in the end, I took the step. Turns out it was just a step backwards, and I’m back here standing, now wondering why I even bothered.
“Logic cannot be applied to matters of the heart.” I said at a point in time. But is it not rational thought that makes us human?
Perhaps I should reconsider.