Why can’t I get past all these mental barriers? Why do I suddenly become an insecure mess at the most inopportune moments? Writing, work, relationships with others; when I should be the most confident, I freeze. I choke.
I’m at a standstill.
I want to do better and I know I could do better but the lack of motivation is crushing. It literally feels like a pillow being pressed against my nose and mouth in the dead of the night. It’s asphyxiating. I focus on the little things, the inconsequential. I rather lay in bed day-dreaming and fantasizing than putting any of my talent or efforts to good use.
Whenever I’m done writing a post I’m on top of the world, compliments abound and I feel invincible. When I accomplish a personal or professional goal I feel exhilarated. I just have to continue ‘following my dreams’ and soon I’ll become the best I can be. When I’m in his arms I feel like the most desirable woman on earth. I scoff at my insecurities because I’m ‘That Bitch’.
But then I get home. I flip on the TV or flip open my laptop. I
take my pants off get comfortable and then…nothing. I don’t want to do anything and I worry about everything. I’m not who I want to be, not even close.
Maybe I should get started on that blog post…
God, it’ll probably suck and I’ll have to take hours to edit it and in the end it still won’t be as good as any of the other writers…
I should be more pro-active at work. I’m already taking courses that (I hope) will help me in the long run, maybe I should take on more tasks, network more, mingle with my coworkers…
It hasn’t even been a year yet, besides, I’m just a lowly receptionist. Who cares about me and my ‘Career Advancement’?
Maybe I should call him. Tell him how I feel about him. Ask him all those questions that gnaw at my soul every time we’re together…
I shouldn’t be so damn needy. I’ll just push him away. And what if I don’t like the answers to those questions, what then?
I know I’m being stupid. I know I’m being ridiculous. I know I’m holding myself back. But there you have it.
It is what it is, I guess.