Act II. Chapter I: In Her Eyes

It’s 10:30 pm, and I’m flying high above the mountains of British Columbia. I’ve spent the last few days far away from my hometown of Toronto, in sleepy Vancouver.

Sleepy might be the wrong word to use – apathetic? If the city seemed to care enough to be tranquil, I might even chase the fleeting thoughts I have to move there and leave my past behind.

As the clouds clear off and I stare down at the lights dotting sparingly across the abyss below, I wax philosophical about my actions back at the airport. Anything that will stop me from torturing myself at the hands of the blank page, I suppose.

*******

It started off as one of those nearly missed connections. I’ve got headphones in, aviators on. I’m delirious. It’s been one of those few business trips where everything goes perfectly and you manage to avoid every possible manifestation of Murphy’s Law despite being overdue for karmic justice of the most severe degree.

As I step off the escalator, one of those new country generic songs runs headfirst into the chorus – you know the ones, about young love, alcohol, and fucking in trucks – and I nearly stumble headlong into this girl.

I freeze and halfway adjust, just barely glancing into her shoulder and sending us both turning and facing each other, both apologizing before we can even pull the headphones out. For one long second, our worlds are just loud cacophonies of background music while we dramatically mouth apologies and pull our bags back on our shoulders. Then suddenly, with a loud *pop*, we both jolt back into the present.

“I’m s-so sorry”, I say, because apparently stumbling over just my feet isn’t enough.

“No, no! My fault,” she says, laughing.

She’s got a nice laugh, I can see it now. She’s actually really pretty, and she’s wearing a U of T hoodie. Score.

“You go to U of T?” The first question that I throw is supposed to sound innocent, but the smirk on my face gives me away and for a long second, it floats in the open space between us like a strand of smoke that might just disappear in the breeze.

Her eyes open a little wider, and she puts out a hand, nearly but not quite reaching across the distance. “Life Sci!” She says, and a shred of doubt tears through the BC sunshine. Life Sci at U of T is a program that I’m fairly sure they only offer because suicide rates aren’t high enough at campus to keep the Ivy League of the North status.

Good pitch number two – fastball down the middle.

I lay on my best smirk and say, “I don’t believe you. You seem way too happy to be in Life Sci at U of T. Which campus?”

There it is. Her eyes open wide, and her mouth changes from a half open smile to a real laugh. Strike two. “UTSG! You’re U of T?”

“Sort of. I’m from the high school version, UTSC? You know, same soul crushing academic pressure, same amount of power outlets as World War 2?” I laugh a little, but I see her smile fade off a little and her eyes shift down.

Alright, rein it in cowboy. Little too much sarcasm can be caustic.

But instead, she points out my shoes and looks up at me inquisitively. “Dress shoes and sweatpants?” This time it’s her turn to float the question.

I wind up. Pitch three – let’s go with the fastball again.

“Yeah, I’m a [REDACTED]. Just here on business – I flew in wearing a suit, didn’t want to make the same mistake again.” I shrug at the bag on my shoulder for added effect, but she’s not paying attention.

“A [REDACTED]? But aren’t you in UTS-“

“Yeah, recently graduated. I got lucky in the post grad job sweepstakes.”

The conversation lulls. She takes a step back and her head cocks to the side, half smiling, and I feel self conscious. Four years is a long time to be off the market, have I lost my touch? I’m starting to feel the same jitters that I do right before a big contract comes in. It’s nauseating to me that it’s the closest comparison I have.

Strike that. Let’s go with, it’s the same thrilling fear as that pulse between heartbeats when you’re staring down the sights of a rifle, lining up a perfect shot. Timing your breath so that you’ll pull the trigger right when you finish exhaling and your heartbeat slows just long enough to contemplate all the right and wrong in the world.

There, less nauseating. I think.

Suddenly, a warbling voice blares through the airport PA system, droning unintelligibly about a last departure. I can almost feel it cut through our conversation, and the moment is gone. She was about to say something, but instead looks briefly over her shoulder, biting her lip.

“Hey, I gotta run, but you’re from Toronto right?” She says, pulling out her phone. Her headphones fall off her ears, and I find myself much more curious about what she’s listening to. “What’s your name?”

This is that moment, where she’s asking your name – not because you’re meeting for the first time and she wants to avoid an awkward interaction later on, but because she wants to know what name to put in her phone.

“It’s – wait, you have blue eyes. They’re really nice eyes,” I can hear myself say.

She says something back, but I don’t hear it. The socially anxious part of my brain wonders if I’ve rudely re-inserted my headphones because she’s talking but all I can hear is the sizzle and pop of a new record. Her eyes are really blue. Like a light, almost baby blue. That’s my favourite colour. All at once, I can see myself in her eyes.

I’m just some stranger in the airport. Some stranger who said the right things at the right time and knew when to shut up and when to smile. But this girl knows nothing about me. In her eyes, I’m a nicely packaged item, to be pursued and perused. In her eyes, I’m a faint reminder of academic comfort, shown up on the doorstep of her home town. A welcome interloper in the apathy of carefree Vancouver.

She doesn’t know what came before this. She has no idea of what led to all this, and what the context of it all is. She thinks I’m wearing dress shoes and sweatpants because I got a little lazy and I’ve got the style sense of a gnome. She doesn’t know the scheduling, the grueling exhaustion. Later, she’ll find out that I’m writing something and she might even want to read it, not understanding that I’ll trash it seven times over before I let anyone read it before it’s ready. She can’t possibly understand what it is that I’m after now because she never saw what I was aiming for before it all went wrong.

I don’t like her eyes.

“Sorry,” I say, interjecting in her sentence. I notice her hand is outstretched again, and I can almost feel the fingertips brushing my chest just a hair away. “Don’t live in Toronto anymore. Alberta now. Have a good one!” I quickly turn and plug the headphones back in, just in time to hear the starting raspy lines from Kenny Chesney’s Somewhere With You. 

If my face is calm, it’s only because I’ve gotten good at hiding facial cues for when I’ve just committed social harikari.

As I check the gate again, I hum along to the words that I’ve memorized over the course of a hundred nights. I’ve heard this song enough to carve the words into a tattoo, but this is the first time I’ve heard it and been able to actually relate to it. And here I am, somewhere without her.

Irony.

Apt.

*******

It’s 2:00 am. We’re touching down in Toronto soon, so I’m tapping away on this keyboard trying to finalize this before I use our arrival as a good reason to procrastinate further. Did I mention I had a few Long Islands at the airport bar before we left?

Ostensibly to help with writing. Now I’m thinking that all it did was contribute to my loud snoring around the 12:00 am mark.

I try to find some philosophical reason for why I didn’t give that girl my number. Why the idea of who I was in her eyes was so revolting to me. I guess there’s a lot of reasons. When I was unhappy, the idea of someone wanting to be a part of that was novel to me and a little alluring. It was someone seeing a hurricane and deciding that they weren’t scared and that they wanted to see what it felt like in the center of that storm.

Maybe that’s what the difference was. Her eyes were always like that. Curious in the face of pure insanity and bad decisions. A ferociousness that could match the tempest of a life gone awry and the strength to bring it back on course.

Too many writers always get it wrong – they focus on the colour. Her eyes swam in a sea of blue and dolphins jumped from pool to pool, deeper than the ice caps melting away into the ocean. A vivid, nearly effervescent green that mirrored Central Park at the first Spring bloom. All nonsense – it’s never the colour that gets you.

Typically hypocritical, I almost want to pull out my phone to make sure I describe hers correctly, as if I hadn’t just fallen asleep staring at them, swimming in the impossible thousands of pictures we shared over the years.

As if I wouldn’t know her eyes better than I know my own. Maybe that’s the anxiety in me firing off a final volley – I’ve accepted that perfection should never be a pre-requisite to love, especially not when it comes to loving yourself and being happy.

But when it comes to her, I stutter step and hesitate, crossing myself in strings of discord and anxiety. I want things to be perfect again. I want to reverse and correct the things that we did wrong, and tell her the story of how we fell apart as some kind of funny anecdote,”Honey you wouldn’t believe what happened to us in some horrific alternate timeline.”

What made her different wasn’t the colour. They were dark brown. Just like mine. What made them different was how wide her pupils always were. It didn’t matter – bright light or pitch dark, they were always dilated. Black pools of curiosity, almost as if she was trying to see all the happiness in the day before it slipped behind the veil of another night. The dark brown of her iris just hovering on the corners of her eyes, a dark eclipse.

They kept me alive, those eyes. Silver linings on the edge of a life that was nearly completely gone, that kept me swinging and ducking long after I was dead on my feet.

The choice to write here is intentional. The audience is long gone now, and there’s no more curious onlookers to see what comes next. I’m not sure what comes next either.

I’m here, with my eyes closed, finally playing the song I’ve been working on my entire life. This is happy. For the first time in my life, I’m happy with who I am. I’m happy with me.

When I open my eyes, I don’t know what I’ll see. Maybe an empty room, maybe more people than I’ve ever seen before.

All I know is that I hope that I’ll see those brown eyes, peering back from the darkness.

We’re touching down in Toronto now.

I’m home.

I can go out every night of the week, and go home with anybody I meet.
But it’s just a temporary high, ’cause every time I close my eyes,
I’m somewhere with you. 

Kenny Chesney, Somewhere With You

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Life – As We Know It.

Life – As We Know It.

I feel that at times life can be absolutely unexplainable and random…and yet, here we are living each moment one day at a time. I’d even go as far as to say that, that in itself is the hardest conceivable task that we do – to live, survive, to exist.

As Anton Chekov put it and brilliantly I have to add, “Any idiot can face a crisis – it’s day to day living that wears you out.”

So why are we even here? Perhaps for some of us religion does half the explaining, and for others dwelling upon the matter. Maybe all of us as superior species do in fact have a purpose in life, I’d be willing to bet we do. I couldn’t imagine one without purpose. I don’t know about everyone else and I can only speak for myself. I know that sometimes when I’m down and the world makes no sense, and I wonder why we’re burdened with the discovery. I wish I just knew how my life was going to turn out, what I have to do, how I have to do it, how my actions will play out and at the end just see it all working out perfectly. It just seems as though the key to life is so visible and yet so out of our reach. Sometimes I wish I just knew, I mean what’s the harm right. Why can’t we just know? Of course we wish the answers to these, and perhaps many more, were conveniently served to us on a silver platter – it would eliminate several obstacles and save us from the emotional trauma.

I mean you’re here one moment and for all you know the next you’re gone. There is no life security what so ever. You can walk out of your house and get hit by a car, stabbed to death, shot or die a natural death. I don’t meant to sound sadistic pessimist, but it’s true right? No one really knows when they’ll take their last breath.

I don’t know what I want from my life, and I haven’t gotten it all figured out yet…and that scares me, because I’m only getting older and I just think by now I should be well on my way to wherever it is I should be going – I just don’t know where that is yet, you do see the dilemma here right?

There are things that I don’t know, that I want to know and that I know I will only find out with the passage of time. But what I do know with certainty is that I don’t want to die an unlived life. I don’t want to die with regrets, I don’t want to die a meaningless death, and I do not want to die as someone that I am not proud of and as the kind of person that I don’t want to be.

All my life I’ve been conditioned to believe how important education is, among other things…and I’m not a rebelling against the belief of how imperative higher education is in today’s world. That is definitely not what I’m doing, I’m all for education. What I’m saying is that all these years everyone focussed too much on education, graduating, grad school, getting accepted, finding a job, networking, and being someone and ignored all the little things. And let me just say this: little things add up. It’s the little things that mean the most.

In school we were taught to count by twos, and conjugate verbs. We were taught the mistakes of the past and the achievements of those who have come before us. We were taught to revolve our lives and futures around the massive realm of education.

How come we weren’t taught to be happy, lead a happy life, be better people, build healthy relationships? Why weren’t we taught emotions, love, the path to self-fulfillment and values?

Essentially what we’re taught in school is that education means work, and work means money and money means luxury and happiness. Of course none of them will ever admit it, but that’s the core idea isn’t it? Obviously this a controversial topic that could be debated, but that’s beside the point. I don’t want to revolve my life around grad school, getting a job, building a career and chase money all my life. I want to be a better person, have a family, enjoy the little moments in life…essentially be happy.

Be happy.

It actually is harder than it seems.

We spend so much time working towards a future, a career, and a life of luxuries, but for what? It can all be taken away from us in a snap of a finger. Why invest and secure our future when life itself has no security, no insurance, absolutely no guarantee that you’ll wake up the next morning. If there’s anything that I have realized it’s that half the time we’re chasing after things that don’t even matter and tend to ignore and overlook the things that do. Perhaps the greatest irony in life is that the more we achieve the more we lose. The more we have, the less we’ve got to lose. With every step forward we take two back. There’s more abhorrence then there is love. Nice gear and improved quarters but less homes and atrocious values. Things that should matter sadly don’t and things that shouldn’t are constantly emphasized… Paradoxical contrast, no? Life’s a gamble…the least we could to for ourselves at dusk is promise ourselves a life of no regrets for if and when we awaken at dawn.

– R

 

Spectacular

I turned over in my half-asleep daze.

I could feel him beside me but for a moment I forgot he was there. I nudged him as I tried to get comfortable. Good, I didn’t wake him; we have a lot to do tomorrow.

I should get some sleep too, but I just want to look at him, just for a little while.

God he is perfect, perfect for me anyway. His eyes, his incredible smile, they way I fit so perfectly in his arms. He is who I will spend my life with. How did I get here?

When I was younger, I never saw myself wanting any of this.  In fact, I actively tried to stop myself from wanting it. I wanted a spectacular life; I did not want traditional, conventional, ordinary.

I was naive; too young to realize that having one didn’t mean I couldn’t have the other.

When he proposed, I panicked. I was terrified, not because I didn’t know what to say, but because I knew exactly what to say. When did I let this become what I want?

I closed my eyes for a second and opened them to the morning.

I could hear him in the kitchen, our kitchen.

I had said yes, with the condition that we get our own place first; under the pretense that I wanted to make sure we were fully compatible. I knew we would be; to be honest I just wanted to give myself time to be okay with this kind of life. To be even more honest, I knew he realized that.  He was always willing to give me what I needed (add that to the list of all things wonderful).

As I got out of bed, I looked around at all the boxes that cluttered the room. I made my way to the kitchen, climbing over more boxes in the hall. We had so much unpacking to do, it was sure to take the whole day.

He passed me a cup of coffee after I sat down on the counter, we didn’t even have a table yet.  I looked at him as I sipped my coffee, and he stood in front me doing the same. We both smiled without speaking, and I thought, it is moments like this that are spectacular.

Then I woke up, suddenly thrust into reality.